There once was a time in my life when I felt good attending church services, especially with the entire family. I really felt safe, secure, and generally happy being in the church with my fellow worshipers because everyone is just always so respectful, peaceful, and kind. However, the day my mom died is the day God died for me too. Now I’m alone with no mother or God; this has created an internal conflict within my mind and soul. I have absolutely nothing or no one of any significance or importance in my immediate family left. Honestly, my mom and I had a special relationship. Now mind you, it wasn’t perfect, and we didn’t get along all the time, but we still loved each other to death. My mom and I were more like sisters, and I was looking forward to the day we would be in our late 70’s and 90’s just fussing and driving each other insane.
Mom and I understood each other without words or hand gestures. Her death hurt me far beyond any negative experience in my life. Iris didn’t deserve to die the way she did. Why would the Lord hurt her like this? She was snuffed out as if she was insignificant. This event was surprising and a setback in my relationship with God. However, I know there is a God, I’m smart enough to know that humanity didn’t just happen out of the clear blue sky, there is a supreme being somewhere out there. I just don’t know how I feel about him right about now. I literally can not physically grace the doorstep of a church anymore; that’s how fucked up in the head I am about my mom’s death. That bothers me because there are times when I look forward to attending or just visiting a place of worship. I hate being like this because I want to be with the rest of my family in heaven when my time comes, and I genuinely miss fellowship with church members. I’m just so bitter and angry with the Lord now for personal reasons for which I can not disclose. My mom was not perfect by any means, and neither am I, but we had each other. Mom was a remarkable person and always did her best in any endeavor she took part in. She was kind to her family, friends, employees and would help complete strangers in the street if they needed help.
What angers me the most is that you have some horrible people out here in this world hurting innocent folks every day and nothing ever happens to them, why is that? Why does God allow bad stuff to happen to good people, It’s just so unfair? Young children, the elderly, and other folks are mistreated and killed every day for no reason, whatsoever. The monsters that perpetrated these heinous deeds. Continue to walk the planet with carte blanche. Yet God allows them to live, create families, and be prosperous. I’m just trying to make sense of it all, asking God why? Why are your love and compassion so unfair?
