Some people will take the”I don’t feel like talking now approach” to grief and that’s okay because there is no wrong or right nor is there a time limit. Initially, that’s how I handled my grief. However, I’m slowly coming out of my comfort zone and taking a hands-on approach to healing because the pain is getting to be too much for me to handle at times. I have to do this to keep from losing my mind or killing myself whatever comes first.
The anger, denial, and isolation are killing me I could kick sparks outta somebody’s ass. I am so angry at the doctors, myself, God, the funeral home, family members, federal government, Popeyes Chicken, cancer researchers, the state of Maryland, the hospital, hospice, the parking garage attendant, the cemetery, Clinton, Trump, Bernie Sanders, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, North Korea, the kitchen sink, Iran, Oh and Germany too. (upset with everybody, get the picture)
My mother and I were very close, in fact, we are more than mother and daughter we were like sisters. Now mind you my mom wasn’t perfect and neither I’m I we’ve had our share of battles. God knows we would argue over crazy stuff but she was mine and we had each other’s backs no matter what.
At the beginning of her diagnosis, I took the confrontational approach to grief. This was partly due to not being able to save my mother. Thats what bothers me the most because 2 months before her diagnosis she was told by her doctors that she was healthy except for minor health problems i.e. high blood pressure and so forth and of course the constant stomach pains which turned out to be pancreas cancer that the doctors kept telling her to take over the counter and prescription drugs to resolve the problem. One afternoon in November she went to the emergency room complaining about severe stomach pain and was diagnosed with pancreas cancer stage 4. My mom was gone in one month because we were never able to get her into chemotherapy because her stats were too high and she kept getting sick on the stomach and then she had a stroke (shit just kept rolling right down the hill from that point). I had no choice but to put her into hospice hoping and praying that she would get better and we could try chemo again and one of the trial drugs. We never got the opportunity so I brought her home and she died the next day. Man, seeing the funeral home staff putting a toe tag on my mother’s foot and putting her in a black body bag blew my mind I mean after all I was just talking to her not 1 day prior. As I stated previously I’ve been through this rodeo before with my dad but it’s different when it’s your mother, you feel me?
During this entire event, I had diarrhea, more panic attacks, and vomiting until the day of my mom’s funeral and after. On the day I returned home from the cemetery I started throwing shit around, cursing God, the doctors, and the funeral home. Suddenly I began moving in slow motion, my hearing started fading in and out, I was nauseated, and my heart started palpitating, felt like I was in another world.
I could barely walk and then it began
3, 2, 1
BLAST OFF STRAIGHT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
like Teddy Pendergrass said “Turn Out The Lights The Party’s Over”
I had blacked out only to awaken and discovered that I had broken my ankle and foot. I crawled over to the ADT system and sent a medical alert siren and was rushed to the emergency room!
By the time I arrived at the emergency room, my sugar and blood pressure were through the roof (I don’t even have high blood pressure or diabetes). I had to stay there for two weeks and the doctors tried to make it three, no sir buster I’m busting the hell outta this popsicle stand!
I was beside my self with grief I mean I could have “spit bullets, How could God do this me and my family I thought. I was encouraged to enroll in hospice grief counseling and I will probably attend a few grief classes and see how it goes. I’m not a writer and I don’t do journals so the only reason that I’m on the internet and Facebook writing now is to keep myself together and most importantly to help others in the Baltimore Metropolitan area going through this same journey, I’ve never felt pain like this in my life and believe me I’ve been through some traumatic life-changing events. I am ex-military and I swear to you I would rather serve in Iraq 50 times than to have buried the woman who gave me life and was always my biggest cheerleader.
There are thousands of ways to deal with grief. However, if you’re not ready to talk about it that’s okay too. You can try reading to heal that’s right you heard me plain old fashioned reading. I know what you’re thinking because I don’t have the motivation to read either. Reading stories related to your grief and loss experience can be, very therapeutic. especially if you’re a nervous or shy person that does not do well in public with crowds or groups.
Please tell us what stage of grief your in and how you felt after your mom passed and what was your initial reaction?
